I've got to admit, I'm pretty surprised. Shocked even. Over 300 views this month alone, people coming every day to see if I've posted anything. Over 2200 views altogether since I created this site and then basically never used it. So as the title says, I suppose I better start using this thing.
Trouble is, I'm not sure what to post about. In fact, it's worse than that: I'm not sure what to write about, and from there stems the paralysis. It started a few years ago when I began the fourth crime novel in the Louise Miller series, a book titled 'Til It Bleeds. As it primarily deals with themes of anxiety and depression and how both sufferers and friends of those in its grip deal with the issue, and being a sufferer myself, I really struggled to get the book flowing. It didn't help that at the time of initial writing I was in the grip of a pretty bad depressive episode.
That was back in 2022/early 2023. I've written over 100'000 words of the book but none of it really gelled together, and I've done well over ten drafts by now. It now sits untouched on a hard drive. In the years since, I went back into full time employment and have been doing that for the most part, selling toy soldiers to hobby stores. I re-released the first three books which are now back on Amazon and doing well - both in sales and KDP page reads. the royalties make for some good pocket money - surprisingly the most money comes from the libraries, a nice lump sum each March.
But it's the day job that pays the bills, but even that has faded for me recently. I've held a passion for tabletop gaming and painting toy soldiers for well over 30 years, but I find no joy in it anymore. It has become more a hassle than a pleasureable past time, to the extent I am selling off my collection and hobby accessories.
It hasn't helped that 2025 has been a tremendously challenging year for our family. My wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer on Valentines Day and fast-tracked for surgery. It was bizarre; we went to what we thought was an appointment for a routine followup to another procedure she had recently had, only to have the doctor look at us both weirdly and say: "You do know why you're here, right? Seeing the head of the oncology department? - You have cancer." We were floored. It was Valentine's Day for fuck's sake! We had plans. Well, not any longer. Those plans became a survival guide. It was serious but actionable. The odds were tough but in our favour - I think we'd have done well in the Hunger Games. Evi would have been proud.
That was when my priorites shifted. That was when the long days working stopped. That was when my love for tabletop gaming as a personal hobby died.
She was in the hospital for about a week and recovered well. I took a month off work to look after her but a few months she later suffered a serious infection and was back in hospital, this time for several weeks. It was life-threatening sepsis this time, but she responded well to the treatment, though it took some time, and was back home and recovering once again.
During all this I tried to do some hobby, to paint toy soldiers but had lost all appetite for it. Even worse, gone as well was the desire to write. I'd tried several new projects, a few screenplays, some short stories, a new novel, but none of it gripped me like it used to. The same was true with my reading, I was all over the place, jumping from Pratchett to Brooks, Rankin to King. I started my long held desire to read through all of John Irving's catalogue of novels but quickly jumped back to Stephen King.
I was lost. Truly, utterly lost. I still am.
For the first time in my life I don't know who I am anymore. I'm still struggling with that.
My own health scare aside (pesky heart and liver issues forcing a drastic change in diet); financial strain forcing us to get rid of the car (and save nearly £300 a month); getting rid of my smart phone, replacing the distraction with a functional watch and flip phone; ditching the digital stream for the physical CD, DVD and book... all these changes have helped clear the fog from my mind.
Gone as well is the tabletop hobby. It's still my job, and I love talking to people about toy soldiers, but it isn't my past-time anymore. Most of it sold through ebay, the funds used for bills or a new CD or DVD. I've nine John Irving books to read, and I've started writing again.
With all that has happened, with the uncertainty we still face for both my wife and I health wise, I need to write The Magpie's Lament. I need her to read it; I need to write it before I leave this world.
So that's where I am right now. That's what's been going on for the last few years.
You kept coming back to the site; I hope you still will.
All the best - JP
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